Wednesday, August 03, 2005


I recalled a conversation I had with a close friend sometime back, maybe about 3 months ago. - Why do we exist? She asked, why is one born only to die later. She sees no meaning in waking up day after day, no reason for her to carry on living till death claims her. She sees no aim in life, nothing to look forward to. So why is she still going through the hassle & pretense of living?

I tried to reply in my most sensible grown-up voice - Everyone have a reason for living, you'll just have to find yours. I told her to have a goal & work towards it, then she will have something to look forward to. Sounds sensible? Believe me, even I had trouble convincing myself then. But then again, what else could I have said.

Looking back, I have to concede defeat. Life is just one tedious charade. All the pretense for nothing. Set a goal, so I said. But when I've reached it? Set another one, so said I. But when this next one is done & the next & the next? Where is the meaning in all this? I mean so what if you get your 1st car, 1st bungalow, 1st million? All of us eventually die, isn't it? Then why do we work so hard only to achieve the same sorry finish at the end. Is there a point in prolonging the inevitable?

I've gone one full circle & yet none the wiser.

Alright, I'd better set the records straight before anyone concludes that I'm suicidal. Cos I AM NOT!

It's just that I have been asking myself alot about this recently (no, I'm not schizophrenic either). PMS? (well that's well over now) So I really don't know what to attribute my low spirits to. Stress perhaps....... I guess there's just alot of expectation of me from everyone & myself. It's really not easy undertaking multiple roles. The toll of juggling all these roles is seriously weighing me down.

I strive tremendously hard to be the near perfect mother, near perfect girlfriend, near perfect daughter, near perfect employee & near perfect manager. There's a thin line balancing all these & I feel like a tight rope walker balancing myself on that thin thread. I worry all the time that I'm not doing well enough.
I'm not sure if I've been doing a good job but if there are those out there who thinks so, please do come forward & give me a pat on the back.

I'm sorry I digressed. I guess my sucky work situation has brought about my bout of depression & invariably this topic. I wonder why I had to endure so much crap when the eventual outcome is the same. And then I remembered... .... the same answer I gave to my friend 3 months ago. Megan - my reason to go on living. This reason will suffice for now.

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