Monday, January 14, 2008

It's so heavy

I remember waking up not too many days ago feeling exactly what I was feeling this morning. I had wanted to blog about it then but let it slide thinking it's something that will pass. So apparently not.

I woke up and it feels like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. I couldn't stop the tears washing my cheeks as I was bathing. What a way to start the morning. And does anyone know how hard it is to apply eye make-up when your eyes are all wet? As if I am not late enough, the efforts put into the make-up was all ruined from me crying while driving to work.

Burnt out? Depression? I don't know. There isn't even a trigger but I feel so darn sorry for myself. In fact I think I cry at almost anything now.

It's the beginning of a new year where rightfully hopes were renewed and dreams reignited. Why do I seem to be regressing instead? Each new step seem to take me back to where I had initially started. Trapped in this mammoth maze which threatens to swallow me whole. No matter how, I can never seem to walk out from it. Walking seems like running underwater and everything takes a huge effort out of me. I don't want to go out, I don't want to meet people, I just want to stay at home and do nothing.

Don't worry, I am not about to go out and end my life in the next minute or something like that. Nothing so drastic. I know Megan is my responsibility. And mine alone. For if I am gone, there will be no one to ask her about her day in school, teach her her homework or test her on spelling. I mean that's the really sad part about it. It's that I am not even sure if she'll be truly well cared for if I was not around. And that means I don't even have the most basic option of running away from everything if I had wanted to.

I understand when some of my friends told me they don't see a purpose in life. And if it wasn't for Megan, I would have felt exactly the same way too.

I ask Megan everyday without fail, how was her day in school because I knew how important it was. Then looking at her, I wished that I was in her position. I wish there was someone asking me about my day at work. And now that I have fallen sick again before even recovering from the previous one, I wish that there was someone asking if I am feeling better or if I have taken medication. I wish that there was someone to give me a back rub or pour me a hot drink when I have aches. I wish, I wish, I wish ..........

Suddenly it brought me back to one of my earlier post:

Thursday, August 11, 2005
The innate child in me

Do you think that everyone has an innate child in them? I know I do.

That's cos where it used to lie dormant, the repressed child is screaming & kicking to be let out.

I don't want to be an adult. I don't want to be responsible. I don't want to make decisions. I don't want to have to worry & think about consequences. I don't want to have to please people.

I want to sulk & stamp my feet. I want to cry as & when I want to. I want to be spoiled & demanding. I want instant gratification. I want to be cajoled & coaxed. I want to be pampered. I want to be baby-talked to. I want to know there's someone to shield me from world's harm & shoulder the sky when it falls.

I want.... I want.... I want.....

I'm starting to act like I'm 3 instead of 30.

See what I've told you. That was in 2005. And now in 2008. I am back exactly where I had started.

And so if it is meant to be. I will go on trudging, carrying this heavy weight on my 2 shoulders.

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