Thursday, April 12, 2007

Dignity in shreds

I guess what's been kept suppressed for the past year (almost a year) all came tumbling out today - in the form of huge floods ..... And when I started crying, I found I couldn't stop.

I was elated when I was accepted for my present job. The company is great, colleagues are a wonderful bunch and I had the best boss ever. And most importantly, the pay is a dream. It was almost perfect. But of course for all it's perks, there came a price tag attached. My DIGNITY.

I was previously the nurse manager in a renowned eye surgeon's clinic. He is the founder director of a very recogized medical insitute in Singapore. I lead a team of nurses and was even on friendly terms with the matron. I was pretty much in command of everything. It was a very high profile job and I was also mingling with the right circle of people. Naturally pharmaceutical reps would also try to get close to me. Then came the switch.

I am on the other side of the court now. I am now the pharmaceutical rep. It took me a lot of getting used to initially. It is an awful feeling having to please and suck up to not only the doctors but also the nurses - nurses who were once junior to me. I couldn't believe some of their attitude. There are times we have to endure their scathing remarks or sometimes indifference and there are times we have to literally beg for sales. Dignity was thrown out of the window but I reasoned that, afterall dignity couldn't put food on the table and so life goes on.

Just when the nurses got used to me and things are better, I got transferred. This time is even worse, I even have to please the clinic assistants now. I seemed to have gotten lower and lower the rung. Totally demoralising.

And today I faced my first rejection. I travelled an hour on the road just to visit one particular clinic. It was raining heavily and I got hopelessly lost. By the time I reached, the clinic was closing, I didn't get to see the doctor, I didn't close the sales and I even got a blunt sms reply from him. And to top it off, I still had to suppress my indignance and humbly apologise to him. I wanted the sales so bad and I am seriously worried that I can't meet my sales target. So I guess the dejection turned on the waterworks.

After that, I sat in the car and sobbed, feeling very sorry for myself. Then Megan came into mind and I couldn't wait to get back to her. I can't afford to go off track and the sight of her would help me stay focus. I need to earn as much as I can just so that she'll never have to ever settle for second best. I know she's spoilt and not the perfect kid but I'm willing to go to the end of the earth and back for her.

No matter how low life these people makes me feel, I am going to hold my head up high. I know I am good at what I do and will not allow them to make me feel like sh*t. Don't worry, I just needed to get this off my chest. Nothing will get me down. Well, they better watch out because I am going to bounce back so hard that they don't know what hit them.

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